Teachers, Nonduality, Advaita, Self Realization

The Search for a Teacher

My interest in self inquiry was sudden and unexpected: during an extreme "dark night of the soul" experience, I had a massive, catastrophic collapse which left me spent and speechless, praying fervently to a God I did not believe in, the only honest prayer there is: "Please help me!"

This collapse was sudden, left me completely empty, with not even one ounce of resistance left in me, with no more answers of any sort, in a sort of cathartic and limp state.

Pulling myself up from the floor, where I had been curled in fetal position, still sobbing, I poured what was left of me into a wing back chair.

While I sat in this darkened, private library in the middle of the night, mentally and spiritually exhausted, in final despair, with absolutely no clue on what to do with my next breath, much less the rest of my life, a most peculiar phenomena occured: sitting in absolute silence, I noticed my thoughts arising to me.

Mind you: these were no longer "my thoughts".

For some peculiar reason, in this stillness, it was spectacularly clear to me that these thoughts, which were arising in the stillness of "me", were not me at all, or, more specifically, that what I was had to be something quite separate from these thoughts. For, it was clear that, if I observed these thoughts arising, then, who was observing them, if not me? And, if it was what I call "me" that was observing these thoughts, then, what exactly was this "me" which so clearly did not include these thoughts?

This was a profoundly unsettling awareness; in fact, it completely shattered my world. Everything that I had taken for granted up to this point came roaring back into question: my career, my marriage, every decison supporting the entire direction of "my" life. The only thing I was certain about was that I was uncertain about everything.

In this space of not knowing, of complete uncertainty about everything, I began to reach out for help.Desperately, I searched for any clue as to what I was experiencing. For better than a year, I locked myself in an apartment, meditating, journalling, reading everything I could locate, leaving my residence only when I uncovered authentic teachers who might offer me direction.

This journey was exceptionally lonely and frustrating, and I vowed to leave a trail which might make the journey easier for any who might follow me.

The listings of teachers on this site is merely one guide for those on the lonely journey of self inquiry. It is not meant to be comprehensive, for as difficult as discovering authentic teachings and teachers was for me, the longer I have been on this path, the more bona fide material continues to be revealed to me.

I offer this incomplete guide to the seeker. To it, I offer the greatest mystery of all: as this inquiry proceeds, you will discover that there truly is only one teacher and that teacher can ultimately be found within. I humbly pray you find that teacher now.